Congratulations to the supporters of Amendment One for your great victory. Your concern that North Carolina’s state statute banning gay marriage might be overturned by some “activist judge” led you to amend the state Constitution to say that “marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.” Ironically, since no one knows for sure how this change will impact straight (but unmarried) people with children who have joint custody or visitation rights, or unmarried people who have experienced domestic violence, or unmarried people with domestic partner benefits, it is the courts who will ultimately decide what Amendment One means. So congratulations for assuring that activist judges will have the final say on these matters. I hope you can at least see the irony.
But don’t let that get you down. Because now that gay marriage is illegal by both state statute and state Constitution, our (straight) marriages are safe! We no longer have to worry about our (straight) marriages being threatened anymore by gay people who also just want to live in lifelong, committed relationships. And since our (straight) marriages are no longer under attack by gay people who have such a strange desire to enjoy the same benefits of marriage that we enjoy, I suppose we no longer have to worry about things like: (straight male) married Presidents engaging in “sexual relations” in the oval office with female interns (Bill Clinton); (straight male) married Congressmen having affairs with their secretaries while their wives are ill in the hospital (Newt Gingrich), or sending pictures of their “wieners” to much younger female college students via “sexting” messages (Anthony Weiner); (straight male) married Senators having affairs with (also married and straight female) staffers (John Ensign), or fathering children with their mistresses (John Edwards); (straight male) married mayors cheating on their wives (Rudy Guiliani); (straight male) married Governors fathering children with their mistresses (Arnold Schwarzeneger), or having affairs with women living abroad (Mark Sanford), or hiring prostitutes who then go on to eventually air their dirty laundry for the world to see (Eliot Spitzer). And certainly, we no longer have to worry about (supposedly straight) Senators soliciting sex from men in airport bathrooms (Larry Craig) and Congressmen sending flirty emails to male staffers (Mark Foley), or groping male employees (Eric Massa).
All of these are now things of the past because, finally, our (straight) marriages are safe. So, again, thanks for voting for Amendment One. You’ve saved us straight married folks.